What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Be still, my beating vagina.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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