worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
