I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize