Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
please come you make the beer taste better
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
