sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
