I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
