also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
