i dedicated my morning wood to you.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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