i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
