I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
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