The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
