Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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