Your mouth is God's brothel.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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