I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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