Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
