I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
