I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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