I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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