The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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