you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
