i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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