oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize