It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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