you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
