Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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