the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
