$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
