This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Randomize
