theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
