did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
