I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
i now understand why vodka
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
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