I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
