Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
