I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
