When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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