I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
