Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
