how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
