I am spending my child support on dildos
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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