I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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