24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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