just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
