i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
