i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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