I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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