I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
you didnt know i had herpes?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
