I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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