I only kidnapped one of them. chill
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
