So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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