the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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