Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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