Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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