I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
