Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
