drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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