You work out of a Hotel?
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
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