I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
