hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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