I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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