I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i was born a porn star she said
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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