when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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