fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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