a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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