so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
